How to be a better partner: 12 habits you can start this week

Listen better

1. Put the phone away when your partner talks. It is a small signal that they come first.
2. Repeat back what you heard before you reply: "So you felt left out at the party, is that right?"
3. Ask before you fix. "Do you want advice, or do you want me to listen?" saves many bad evenings.

For a ready-made set of conversation starters, try our questions to ask your partner.

Be kind in small, everyday ways

4. Say thank you for ordinary things. The dishes, the lift to work, the extra effort. Our compliments for your partner give you specific wording.
5. Learn what makes them feel loved. It may be words, time, help or touch, and it may differ from yours. See how to make your partner feel loved.
6. Be affectionate on purpose, even in busy weeks. If that does not come naturally, read how to be more affectionate.

Kindness works best when it is specific to them, not to a list.

Own your part

7. Apologise properly. Name what you did, say you understand how it felt and do not add "but". "I am sorry I snapped. That was not fair to you" is enough.
8. Keep your word, including small promises like "I will call at six". Reliability is a form of respect.
9. Do not keep score. Trading favours and mistakes like a ledger turns a relationship into a negotiation.

Look after yourself and the relationship

10. Take care of your own health, friends and interests. A partner who is running on empty has little to give, and you are not meant to be each other's whole world.
11. Check in regularly. A calm weekly talk catches small problems early. Use our relationship check-in questions as a guide.
12. Ask for what you need, kindly and clearly. Being a better partner does not mean having no needs of your own.

Mistakes that undo good habits

• Treating this as a self-improvement project and then judging your partner when they do not match it.
• Doing everything for approval, then resenting it.
• Going silent instead of saying you need a break.
• Expecting your partner to read your mind.
• Doing good habits only after a fight.

If you are trying hard and the relationship still feels strained, how to fix a relationship covers what to look at next.

When to get help

If you keep repeating the same painful pattern, if you notice that you often react in ways you regret, or if the relationship feels unsafe, speak to a licensed couples therapist or an individual therapist. If you ever feel afraid of your partner, contact a professional support service. Habits help, but they are not a substitute for professional help when you need it.

Where Buffaly fits

Buffaly is an iPhone app for couples who are already together. You connect with a 4-character code and share one heart. Hug, Kiss and Compliment each add 15 percentage points, a Conversation adds 25, a Date adds 80. The heart slowly empties, so it helps you keep topping up closeness instead of waiting for a big moment. It is meant to make a few of these habits easier to remember, such as a compliment, a hug or a short conversation. It will not make you a better partner by itself.

What Buffaly is not: it is not a quiz or content app, not a messaging app, and it does not share your location. It is an entertainment tool, not a medical, psychological or counselling service. The download is free and your first action is free. Then there is a 7-day free trial, then EUR 4.99 per month or EUR 29.99 per year for both partners. It needs an iPhone with iOS 17 or later; there is no Android version yet.

Frequently asked questions